I went to a . . . special . . . high school. Our mascot was the controversy-free Unicorn. UNI PRIDE! Yes, all you NC mascot buffs — I went to the North Carolina School of Science and Mathematics.
Part of this story is that the state funds the school, so where budget cuts are concerned, it always seemed that the quality of the food was the first to go. Rumors abound of when the school contracted PFM (Professional Food Management) to do all the meals and the freezers were full of “mystery meat.” Brown gravy and it’s turkey; white gravy and it’s chicken maybe.
But it was three square meals a day for 550 students and it was free, so you get what you get and you don’t throw a fit. We absolutely did throw food though. Those walls were covered.
As far as quarantine goes, I have been pretty okay. My attitude hasn’t been stellar, but I’ve been absolutely fine with a tendency toward happy.
Until yesterday. Yesterday, I just fucking had it.
But one must eat. I opened the fridge and dug out two very desperate parsnips and some carrots. My Irish ex-boyfriend’s mother (yes, his name is Paddy) used to make carrot and parsnip mash and it tasted like a ray of sunshine. I thought this dish might brighten my day.
Here is my version of Carrot & Parsnip SMASH:
Boiled. 
SMASHed.
Step 1: Peel carrots and parsnips. Cut into 2 in slices and boil for 15-20 minutes. Ratio: balanced.
Step 2: Drain veggies and return to the pot. Add a pat of butter.
Step 3: SMASH.
Step 4: Smash until it’s mushy.
Step 5: Eat immediately with butter, salt, & pepper.
Carrot & Parsnip SMASH can be paired with anything. And here is where the mystery meat comes in. I rooted around the freezer and found packages of unlabeled patties of varying sizes. I cooked them, put them on a plate, and told my roommate that dinner was ready.
WHAT’S IN THE BOX? 
Still unclear.
She asked questions of the meal that I couldn’t quite answer. She decided that “little patty,” as I’ll call the orange ones, needed pickles. “Big Patty” could have been Dr. Praeger’s broccoli something-or-other discs because we both had a feeling that we may have bought them at some point.
Regardless, I call this meal “Mystery ‘Meat’ Surprise” in honor of my fellow S&Mers.
But it gets both worse and better (worse for Anjali, better for me). While I made sunshine in pot and mystery meat surprise, my roommate had made this delicious apple upside down cake. I ate it greedily, but the food exchange was definitely tilted in my favor on this one.
Oh – you want the apple cake recipe? Sure. Go to your freezer and pull out the first bag of “meat” you see…
PS – Mom, it’s still not meat. No meats were harmed in the production of this meal.
