Well, given the enormous backlash against my intentionally divisive social media posts about apples, I thought I would demonstrate that the apple is indeed a more useful fruit than just a peanut butter delivery device and the shining star of pies. Here’s the twitter version (the facebook version got very ugly, very quickly):

Apples are nothing more than a peanut butter delivery device or an excuse to make pie.

Fight me.

— Dr. Rebecca S. Wingo (@rebeccawingo) March 23, 2020

I used this recipe from King Arthur because I had most of the ingredients. They had me with their anti-Hannibal Lecter stance: “leave the skin on, if you like.”

I used my saddest apples. They were very sad, but still tasty in these scones. I also substituted white chocolate chips for cinnamon chips (clearly I didn’t stock up well enough for quarantine), and used buttermilk instead of regular milk for the wash.

After you shape the balls of dough, the recipe recommends sticking the dough in the freezer for 30 minutes to achieve maximum expansion and lift.

I have several critiques:

1. More apples. Yep, I said it. Mostly to appease you jerks who can’t take an apple joke. Don’t you have classes to put online?
2. Cinnamon chips would have been better.
3. My freezer is full of apocalypse food. There is no space — none — for a pan of scones. King Arthur probably has a walk-in freezer and chefs. Take his obvious elitism here with a dash of salt.

Pro Tip: It’s best to start baking these at 10pm. It’s also best when your baking habits also impact your roommate’s sleep schedule. Bribe her with scones. It’s fine.